Thursday, 8 October 2015

Pomegranate Breasts, Forbidden Cakes, & Twinkie Kinks

Hey so we've all probably read about Mr "pomegranate boobs" Saudi cleric who's totally obsessed with all the steaming-hot-postmortem-heaven-sex that men just like him are gonna get in heaven just as soon as they die.

Haven't watched the video?  Go grok the thing over at Hemant Mehta's blog today. It's compelling stuff.

Sheikh Yahya Al-Jana doesn't want us to blow our chances at an eternity of hymen tearing in Heaven for some quickie business with mall harlots here on earth. Unlike me, I guess he's really into first time sex, potentially causing pain and bleeding with a woman who is unlikely to know what the hell she's doing. Not my cup of tea, personally, but I suppose Al-Jana isn't interested in what I have to say anyway.

He helpfully reminds us men (probably not lesbians) that unlike pious earthly men, most women are too slutty on earth to get to heaven - or even get a wiff of all that neverending virgin sexytime smell - what with shopping, tights, makeup and EVIL SOCIAL MEDIA. Yes, Al-Jana is one special dude.

Of course, if women don't make it to heaven then the resulting spectral sausage factory would turn any good heterosexual man's heaven into an utter Hell. Such would be the case if it weren't for the hundreds of never-sag-breasted supernatural auto-regenerating-hymen astral Barbarellas he'll need to plow through every morning before breakfast for the rest of time. Basically he's gonna get laid forever, he's been thinking about this quite a bit - I can tell.

My question is: What about cakes?

I'll remind you, dear readers, of the ancient Roman cheese-filled placenta cakes they used to cook up around Saturnalia every year.

There was also the Quran-shaped cake which a bunch of Turkish Quran students baked up for a local celebration there. They cut the cake and posted it on EVIL SOCIAL MEDIA and got into big big trouble with religious authorities there.

Then there was that birthday party - complete with cake!! - that Saudis broke up! Arrests were made because there was dancing.

Then there was the Nazi penis cake.

Well, now we've got a Greek Orthodox priest, George Passias, who got busted when someone found his secret sex tape. It featured cake porn
In one scene, the bearded cleric, wearing only a white T-shirt, watches his long-haired brunette lover plant her thong-clad bottom on a piece of banana bread wrapped in cellophane.

Bouzalas, wearing stiletto heels, oddly wiggles on the loaf until it is flattened — apparently a fetish known as “cake crush” or “cake sitting.”

I'll let you check out the video if you wish. To be honest, it seems perfectly harmless and I sort of applaud their kinky sex life - it's original and looks like he's really into it.

The problem is, he might just be a bit of a hypocrite. Because he's married... not to his pastry-smothering lover, Ethel Bouzalas, but to another woman. Oh, and Ethel is married too. So, they were both sort of cheating.

Not that I even have a problem with that. If you wish to have an open marriage and get kinky with (and even impregnate) your Twinkie squishing vixen, then fine. However, I'm pretty sure this is fairly verboten in his branch of Greek Orthodox religion.
A high-ranking Greek Orthodox priest starred in kinky sex tapes with his much-younger parish-school principal and was forced to resign after the affair — which he’d denied for years — was confirmed by church elders.
Apparently, there are also allegations of misdirection of funds meant for building repairs. In my opinion this is an even more serious charge. I mean, I just cannot keep a straight face about the cake. Likewise with the pomegranates.

(Image source)

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